Turkey Lurkey

Friday, May 11, 2012

 Another thing I like about our house is that we have wild turkeys. It is pretty funny to hear them gobbling up a fuss out there.


Of course our dog goes crazy. A couple of times he has almost caught one, but it turns out turkeys can fly. The very best part about the turkeys is that Marc can stand outside and do his extremely realistic turkey call/song/cry and when he does the turkeys all gobble back at him.  


You can't pay to see something that great.


Happy Home Owners

Thursday, May 10, 2012



We bought our house. I am so happy.I love Springbrook Ranch and I have learned serious appreciation for many a previously unnoticed blessing by living here. In The Book of Mormon it says, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things," and in the Doctrine and Covenants (additional Mormon scripture) Eve says, "It is better for us to pass through sorrow, that we may know the good from the evil."


Yep, it is a true principle. Just think, if we hadn't lived for three years in a house that was for sale I would never have felt the tremendous joy I now feel knowing that NO ONE can call me to let me know they are coming in an hour to poke through the dirty secrets of my house otherwise known as the garage and laundry room.  
This is the mini orchard, two plum trees, two apricot and two apple.
And they can't make any stinking offers on it either leaving me frantically searching the internet for viable rental options that keep our kids in the same schools. Because we own it! And it is MY big project now! Ha!


Living here has also taught me to be happy when my kitchen sink has hot AND cold water, to feel satisfaction when I cook a meal with only two burners on the stove, to be grateful that I have my own room that I don't share with a nine year old daughter, and to absolutely love the cool California nights that blow through that room and allow me to sleep even though we don't have air conditioning.


Yes, Springbrook Ranch needs a lot of TLC, but I am dying to get to it.  After holding back on home projects for so long it will be fun to start putting all the things I have imagined into practice! Marc is so excited. I am not just saying that. Actually, we both agree that working on making our space beautiful feels like the rhythm of our life and we look forward to getting back into it. He just worries that I'm going to spend too much money.  When have I ever done that anyway? Luckily, there are a lot of things we can do that are inexpensive but will make a big difference in how the home looks, feels, and functions.  I get a big thrill out of making a beautiful improvement using more time, creativity and elbow grease than money.


And I'm excited to start sharing them here too.  




Depression Part Deuce

Sunday, April 29, 2012

This is a picture I took of the SLC LDS temple when we were picking up Maddie. It has nothing to do with depression, I just like it.

Last week I wrote about what my depression looks like, today I want to write about the things I've learned over the years to help me get through it.  I'm hoping this will actually help someone who has their own struggle with the beastie.

There are several things I try to do, they don't always work but it is a place to start.  Oh, and by "work" I really mean help.  I don't know anything that just makes it go away, except time.

So that is the first thing that helps, recognizing that with time I will feel better.  It may take awhile, but believing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel is bracing. When I'm in the middle of depression I used to think I would never feel happy again, which in a sad, cyclical way, made me feel even sadder.  Now I keep telling myself "this too will pass."

Which brings me to another help-positive self talk.  Recognizing that depression and anxiety are not things I am to blame for, they are just something that happens.  It is tempting to think it wouldn't happen if I were stronger,  but really, who can control their brain chemicals?  So I try to make that voice in my head BE NICE.  Give myself a break and remember that the things I'm not getting done now will get done when I feel better.

The next tip is a dichotomy. It requires some self awareness because there are two basically opposite steps you can take and you need to decide for yourself which one it is time for.  I find both have their place in my cycle of depression. The first option is to try to just couch surf and ride it out for awhile.  If you believe it will pass and know that it's not your fault then sometimes you can give yourself permission to just rest; sleep if you need to sleep, hide from the world a bit (knowing you'll be back to it eventually), watch some t.v., read...just let your head take a break and escape from what is bothering you.  This isn't something to do for too long, but it can be a helpful and, I think, healing thing.  This might be a good place to mention that I'm not a doctor, I only play one to my kids.

The other choice you have is to put up a fight.  Sometimes my depression/anxiety is so bad that riding it out just won't work. I feel like I can't stand to feel that way for one more minute.  A good friend advised me that when you feel that way you should try and fight with everything you've got.  For me that means talking to the people I love so they know what's going on with me which eases the exhausting task of trying to hide what's going on.  It also means a lot of prayer and reading my scriptures and asking the Lord for strength and for an easing of my burden.  One time it was as if God literally reached inside me and turned the depression off, but that only happened once.  Usually I have to have patience for it to ebb away.

Another tool in your fighting toolbox can be medication. When I first experienced severe anxiety and depression I was dead set against drugs. I had visited my doctor hoping that I had a thyroid problem or some other easily treatable problem (oh yeah, that's a step too, visit your doctor) but when she diagnosed me with depression I didn't want a drug therapy.  I've never done well with medications, I'm sensitive to a lot of them, plus I was frightened that it would prove I was weak, crazy, lazy and basically a failure.

So I muddled on for another month or so getting pretty much no where.  Then one day I found myself in bed in the middle of the afternoon. My toddler was on the bed with me covered in band aids she had stuck all over herself for entertainment because I was too sick to take care of her.  I decided then that if medication might help me get better then medication I would take. 

Exercise is also super helpful.  It can feel almost impossible, but just getting out for a walk can make me feel better.  When I decide to fight I truly make a checklist of these things.  Each day I try to:

1. talk to someone I love who can be supportive
2. pray
3. read my scriptures
4. take my prescription
5. go for a walk

Certainly there are other things that work for other people but I've done a lot of reading and informal surveying of others who have had depression and I think this is a good place to start.

And finally, one of my sweet friends, Leslie, asked me on facebook what I think you can do when someone you love is in the throws of depression.  That is such a good question!  I know that one of the nicest things Marc has done for me is let me know that he isn't disappointed in me.  I think anyone who has this problem at some time feels like they are letting people down. That feeling alone can add a ton of bricks to how bad you feel already. Marc has helped me understand that it is okay to back off from my social, church, and volunteer obligations while I'm trying to get myself well.  Saying the words, "I know you're going to be okay and things are going to get better," can be very powerful.  

Oh, one more thing...therapy.  Therapy has at times been super duper helpful.  Expensive, but worth it.  All of a sudden I'm worried that I'm leaving something important out.  If you have any ideas for helping someone live through depression and anxiety please comment.  In fact, if you've made it all the way to the end of this you might leave a comment just so I feel validated and not creepy thinking that all my friends are looking at me differently now.  

Lessons From Depression

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I've had episodes of depression since my mid thirties, meaning, lucky me, I've had over a decade to ponder and refine my techniques for dealing with it.


One of the reasons I haven't written in the past 10 months is because last summer brought a wave of depression that wrung me out and left me limp. I have sometimes felt like I'm a hard working blender and it is my job to take my husband's and my children's and my own pain, anger, hurts, and disappointments and somehow blend it all up into happy sweet strawberry milkshakes.


Does that make sense?  So obviously I thought I couldn't write about how I was really feeling-and I didn't have it in me to serve up fake milkshakes on my blog.


But now I really want to try my best to tell it like it is.  And there are many seasons in life that really are lovely and fairly easy.  My chemicals are balanced and my anxiety/depression is dormant.  Life has ups and downs and I deal like everyone else. 


But when it rears it's ugly head I've learned some things to make it more bearable and I want to write about it to help myself and, hopefully, help someone else. Today I'm just going to write about how my depression looks and what I do about it; later I want to try to write about what triggered my episode this summer.  Fun for the whole family!


Sitting here fidgeting and distracting myself on Facebook.  This is harder than I thought.


Okay, so for me depression is married to anxiety.  In fact, it always starts with something that I am worried about, something that seems, to my crazy brain, insurmountable.  The only things I really worry myself to death about are the people I love, so my anxiety usually has to do with a relationship that is out of whack or a family member who is having a hard time.  If you are one of those loved ones-worry not.  Discretion is the name of my game, baby!  


It pretty much starts out feeling like the flu.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat.  I spend the nights laying on my back, waving my legs in the air because they are twitchy and they hurt.  I throw up a lot.  I try to hide it and act normal when my kids are around and then just collapse as soon as they are all out the door.  My mind is in a constant spin about whatever is bothering me.


Later I will lose all my energy.  I can't really sleep, but all I want to do is lay in bed and hide.  Eating is still out and it is hard to muster up interest in anything.  I'll feel guilty for being so useless and that, of course, doesn't help anything. At home I struggle to do the bare minimum of my parenting tasks and focus all my energy on trying to at least talk to my sweet kids. Last summer my dad said it was like I had just faded away, which I found interesting since when I was with my parents I was trying SO HARD to hide what was happening.


I know depression can manifest itself differently in different people, but that is my nutshell in a nutshell.


I think I'm going to go to bed now and follow up with my helping myself heal protocol tomorrow, like I said, this is tougher than I thought it would be. 


  

Hi Friends

Wednesday, April 25, 2012


I haven't felt like blogging in a really long time, and the thing that has dragged me out of my writing about myself like I'm super interesting slump is an overwhelming need to complain about the downstairs toilet.  It won't be denied.


The downstairs toilet is leaking.  Again.  Honestly, in the almost four years we have lived here I have had a plumber repair that stupid, stupid toilet three different times.  The wax seal has been replaced twice. If you didn't know that the only thing standing between you and an open sewage drain is a big ole' wax seal then I'm sorry for stealing your innocence.


It is a mystery why that toilet keeps leaking.  I ponder if my children are particularly hard on toilets.  Do they rock the toilet?  Or bounce?  I don't know.  It seems like they wouldn't do anything stupid like that but then, let me tell you this story.


Back in Virginia, when they were both in elementary school, Maddie and Katie used to share a bedroom with two twin beds in it.  One Saturday Katie's wooden frame completely cracked.  When we asked how it happened she kept insisting that she was "just sitting on it."  


Right.


Later we learned through the time honored tradition of sibling tattling that Katie had been repeatedly leaping from her desk to her bed.  You know, just for fun.  So obviously I can't trust what my kids tell me about the toilet.  "We just sit on it," they say, but who really knows?


And that is what is weighing heavy on my mind tonight.  And it feels good to share.


The Money Tree

Monday, May 2, 2011

I have a friend who has nine, yes nine lovely children. I remember years ago asking her how she got her kids to do chores and her advice was that you make a "chore plan," introduce it to the family, do it for awhile, watch it lose momentum, then lather, rinse, and repeat. She said the main thing was to realize that starting a new plan is not an admission of failure, it's just part of the parenting gig.

In that spirit, here's the new plan we're trying at our house.

I call it, (musical fanfare please) The Money Tree.


Like my nicely organized paper center?

The plan is for the smalls to track their chores on the kitchen chalk board and at the end of each week they can pluck their allowance off of the money tree.

Some parents are against allowance...as in "why would we pay you to participate in being part of the family?" Or as my dad used to put it when I asked about allowance, "Do you like living here?"

Marc and I totally agree that kids really shouldn't be paid to do stuff around the house, but it turns out we were giving them all our money anyway, and at least this way they have to do some work before we fork it over. It motivates them and helps us feel better about never having cash.

Also, Marc likes saying "money tree." It makes him chuckle to himself.

Also, also, the older girls' allowance is fairly substantial. We are hoping to teach them some budgeting skills and whatnot so we're letting them manage their own clothing, entertainment and sundries funds.

In the end, I imagine this won't last terribly long, but, you know, it's a plan.

Mormon Helping Hands

Saturday, April 30, 2011




On Saturday Ellie and I cleaned up trash near the top of Mount Diablo as part of the Mormon Helping Hands project. The rest of the family was scattered to the winds with other activities, and I admit I was tempted to stay home and maybe snuggle and watch Pokemon with Ellie, but I decided "service is important," so we went and I am so glad we did.

You know how you never know which lessons are actually going to teach your children something? Well, this one seemed to particularly take with Ellie. When we got up the mountain (after a very long and twisty drive with Dayna and her girls) it was super windy and cold. The ranger was talking about hacking brush off of the trail and I was thinking "how can I get Dayna to turn around and take us home right now because Ellie is going to hate this and I don't want to deal with her?"

Such are my tiger mom skills.

But I knew Super Dayna wasn't going anywhere...so. Then the ranger said if we weren't prepared to work with a pick ax we could collect trash. He gave Ellie a reacher thingie, and me a bag and off we went.

And boy, oh boy did we collect trash. Ellie was a machine I tell you what! Most of the trash was sneakily hiding where it had been blown into these large low thickets. I am too big to crawl in there, but Ellie just went for it-crawling on her stomach at some points to get tiny bits of paper and stuff like bottle caps.

The best part was to see how proud she was of herself for taking care of the earth. She mostly gets that from school assemblies, but let's pretend it's because Marc and I taught her.

At one point she stopped me and pointed out the wind blowing the long grasses up the hill from us and commented on how it looked like a silver ocean. Then she said it was like the grass and trees and even the earth was singing.
I felt so glad we were there to experience it together. After an hour or so we snuggled up in a little grove of trees that worked like a wind break and just watched the grass sway.

It was like a million times better than Pokemon.

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